Five Do's and Don'ts for the Online Dater

New online dating sites are popping up all the time, which is either a sign that the dating form is becoming more and more regular, or that people just love "punny" tongue-in-cheek .com venue titles like "PlentyOfFish." I write this blog from the perspective of the former, but secretly hoping for the latter. (Bring on "plentyofsausage.com," por favor?)

The Do's:

1. Create a profile. The simple and obvious note regarding online dating, don't simply be the bystander mocking the concept when you yourself haven't had a date in over a year. Your pride doesn't mean a whole lot when you're sleeping alone, does it?

2. Use a recent picture in your profile. You have some flexibility with this one; my personal rule is to not post anything more than a year old. However, if you're approaching the big 5-0, be aware that your date might step into the restaurant a bit surprised if you posted a picture of your 25-year-old self with rock hard abs, and you're sporting a new gray 'do and a beer gut.

3. Find the right forum for you. Not all dating networks are the same; if you're a lesbian you certainly aren't going to want to sign up for Grindr, and if you're a gay man, you're probably going to want to steer clear of the homophobic eHarmony that seems to get more TV advertisement than Viagra circa 2000. Like anything else you'd deem important in your life, do your research.

4. Be available, but don't be too available.
You want people to know that you're on the market, but refrain from using the dreaded "R word." Even if you are looking for a relationship, don't specifically advertise that you're looking for one. It leaves the door open for relationship-addicted freak-a-zoids to knock on your profile's door and throw out a marriage proposal. But do be clear and specific about what you want so as to create a niche audience for yourself.

5. Don't be afraid to embellish. Leave your ethics out of your profile. Even if your life is boring, you should never advertise yourself that way. Take the mundane and make it interesting if you have nothing better to include in your profile. So you like marshmallows? Throw in some snarky, made-up "Brokeback Mountain" joke about a time you and your pals sat around the campfire making smores. You work at Wal-Mart? Tell them you work at Whole Foods - especially if you're shooting for the hipster crowd.

The Don'ts:

1. OkStupid. OK, so OkCupid actually goes on the list of better sites you could be using (especially as a free site), but the forum has its flaws in both design and demographics. In general, the site falls in a particularly unique category of sites where you are able to see who is viewing your profile, and when they're viewing. This could be a great thing if everyone that views your profile is sending you a message, but be prepared to ready those shields if you can't take the self-esteem hit. These sites are meant for the confident and straightforward, not the weak of heart or timid types. I won't advise you to not use this site, as I've had my own set of personal success stories with it, but I send you into the battlefield waving a warning flag.

2. "Hey, hot stuff." You find that sexy gal's profile, your claymore goes skyward bound, and your immediate instinct is to let them know. When you reach this point, run to the nearest freezer, grab an ice tray, and topple it downward; no one wants to talk to a creep, even if you're attractive. Success with online dating comes not just from having a perfected profile, but from knowing how to greet new people. Find something witty to say pertaining to their profile without making it look like you've scanned everything they've written three times over.

3. Don't reveal too much, too soon. One of the biggest problems with online dating is that your back-and-forth messages don't leave much room for a great introductory conversation on a first date. Try to keep your conversation a length where you can determine your level of interest, and then continue the conversation in person if you so choose.

4. Choose a safe meeting place. Thankfully, the issue of safety with online dating is slowly going downhill, but it is still an issue. I made the mistake of meeting a 50-year-old creep posing as a 25-year-old hunk at his home; believe me when I say you never want to end up in such an awkward position.

5. Don't linger on a profile. In between your date, it can be easy to stare at your computer screen and reread their profile in anticipation of an exciting date. It's understandable, but building expectations for a date is never a good thing. Dating - online or off - is not meant to be an end-all, be-all of your life, just a side story on an ongoing adventure. Don't take it so seriously.

Have some online dating do's or don'ts of your own? Send me an email at brandon.baker@temple.edu, or leave a comment below.

The Three Rs of 9/11: rememberance, rebuilding and reconnection

Each week I sort through my wall of post-it notes that comprises every single idea that sparks in my mind for this blog. This week, I was fully prepared to please with another thought-provoking, contentious topic on dating and relationships courtesy of "the wall of thoughts," when it occurred to me what today is and what it represents. It suddenly seemed silly for me to preach about dating and relationships when something bigger overshadows the standard aura of the day.

But when I dug to the core of why September 11th is represented as such a somber day, I considered that the tragedy behind the landmark event is not the death toll, the loss of information or the loss of an American symbol, but the impact it had on families that were intertwined through relationships.

For some it was a simple reminder to appreciate their loved ones, and for others it was a direct effect of deep loss and heartbreak. It was, truly, the type of event that shapes a lifetime.

But these aren't lessons you haven't already heard or don't already know; instead, what I've tried to take away from the horrors of 9/11, is an understanding of the differences between what you have, what you want, and most importantly, who you are.

How do these lessons connect to 9/11?

September 11th stands for the one thing in our lives that puts our worldviews into perspective: loss. The most fruitful introspective experiences happen under extreme stress and during times of monumental loss. The hole left in our lives serves as something that needs to be filled, and many mindlessly grab their figurative shovel in search of dirt to fill that hole. What happens, unfortunately, is a downward spiral that fills the hole with sharp-pointed, edgy rocks instead of the mounds of dirt needed to make us feel "whole again."

Rebuilding from loss involves a lot of self-reflection and comprehension of the things you really have in your life, what they mean to you, what life expansions you want to seek out and a comprehensive understanding of who it is that you are; not who you avoid becoming or aim to become. Who you are shapes who you will be.

I can only imagine the introspection that happened (and still happens) in the minds of those that experienced such great loss during and following the tragedy of 9/11, but the experience itself should find a place in your own life as an example of how to reconnect with yourself and what your life means to you.

As cliche as it may seem, the loss you experience in life is only a physical one. Your loved one may have perished in the flames, but the impact they had on your life is a flame that burns eternally and molds your future self. My best piece of advice, is to not be afraid to light a new candle. You may not find that you want or need the same things post-trauma, but that shouldn't be associated with not wanting/needing anything.

My Jewish friends and followers might appreciate the analogy of our lives being a manifestation of the menorah. The candle-holding instrument itself is shaped and made what it is by the many (but limited) candles it holds, with each one having its own symbolism and role.

By all means, don't let your menorah go unlit.

Remember the images of 9/11 and its lasting influences for the sake of moving forward, rebuild to form a new foundation for your life and reconnect with yourself as a reminder that there will always be a blossoming flower poking somewhere through the rubble.

Seeking liveliness through the rose-colored glass of sloppiness

Although Americans (and especially Philadelphians) like to laugh at, mock and dismiss those 'Jersey Shore' folks from across the pond as "a thing," I can't help but find it a tad bit ironic that we laugh at behaviors we all embrace and demonstrate.

The premise of the show revolves around hook-ups and drinking, two things that, more often than not, go hand-in-hand. We drink to hook-up, and we hook-up to drink. And what happens when a relationship goes down the rabbit hole? We head to the nearest karaoke bar to drunkenly sing our struggles away.

A cocktail a day probably does take the pain away (we've all been there), but there appears to be an unhealthy obsession in today's society with using alcohol as a crutch for when things go horribly wrong with our lives - especially with dating. I'm all for using the firewater to kill the nerves on an awkward first date, but a backwards mentality has managed to take hold on what role alcohol plays in forming relationships.

The excuse many will gladly use for consuming mass amounts of alcohol for dating and sex-related purposes is that it uninhibits them and breaks down barriers to reveal their "true selves." But one has to wonder: if you're drinking to force yourself into a comfort zone, how "natural" is that?

I'm not so naive (or prudish) as to downplay alcohol and preach against it; Prohibition was certainly demonstration enough that people don't just desire alcohol, they need it. However, this uncanny fascination with intoxication needs to reach a peak at one point or another; using alcohol as a scapegoat doesn't feed a healthy relationship anymore than it nourishes your liver.

Myself being slightly inebriated, I recently observed a young man on the street taunting a group of women as I waited for the Sketch Mobile (aka the "Night Owl") to take me home. He gave them an obvious up-down gaze, and continued to talk to them (or at them, rather) with a tone in his voice that screamed, "I'm drunk, horny, and entitled to your vagina." It was an eye-rolling reminder of the role this liquid courage plays in how our sexual selves work.

When I finally took a seat on the bus, I sat down across from a man and woman who clearly had just come from a party together, but were also very apparently not in a relationship. The man continued to comment on how drunk she was, which was his own code for, "You're drunk; that means it's okay to sleep with me tonight." Thankfully, the girl wasn't having it and clarified that she was feeling very sober, which was her code for, "Put your dick back in your pants."

Yet in these situations, who/what is really to blame for when things go sour? There is absolutely nothing justifiable about your actions just because you took a few too many shots and made an abnormally bad decision. Consider this: if your bad decisions couldn't be excused by alcohol in a work environment, why would that be any less true in a personal setting?

By all means, continue to drink, hook-up, and embark on plastered adventures. But when the time comes in your life to "settle down" and look more closely for "the one," know better than to pre-game before your date or talk in-depth about your party self. Nothing is more unattractive than a drunk that doesn't know he/she is a drunk.