The Sound and the First-Date Fury

 An at-a-glance observation of one first date in the City of Brotherly Love.

Flushed red and flashing a nervous smile, he approached his date with an overeager, high-pitched greeting before she had time to even take in her surroundings. Instantly realizing the awkwardness of the first encounter, he whipped out his wallet to spot her cup of coffee as a sort of first-date reboot attempt, appearing to have temporarily breathed life back into the already endangered first-time gathering.

Standing by the shop’s counter and ordering her coffee with him gasping uncomfortably heavy breaths just behind her, he handed the barista a wad of one-dollar-bills and tossed an extra George Washington in a duct-tape-labeled “tip cup” so as to – as can be said almost for certain – impress his new debutante by demonstrating not just his chivalry on first dates, but his super-savvy skills as a coffee customer.

Five minutes later, the two had settled into a table by the window – a wise choice for anyone looking for extra opportunities to make conversation – and began the to-be-expected first date conversation fodder. Talks of hometowns, how they like their neighborhoods, and what their jobs are like ensued for a solid five-to-ten minutes before getting into the real nitty-gritty of the meeting.

To be sure, the guy was a more experienced dater than his black sundress-donning, wavy-haired, hot mess female companion, having clearly mastered the “interview process” of coffee dates and the appropriate tones for asking personal questions. His voice fluctuated almost poetically, as if he intended to mesmerize her not with what was coming out of his mouth, but how it was coming out. He rarely offered-up information about himself willingly, but when he did, it was noteworthy and prompted a response. A bigger pro than his initial nervousness would have implied.

The girl, meanwhile, did a wonderful job of flaunting her strong points – namely her face, hair, and chest. As she moved through conversation, she waved her hands artfully as if conducting an orchestra, before pulling them back behind her head yawn-style, simultaneously perking up her breasts to eye level with her date. As she finished her sentences, her hands brushed through her hair in slow motion, which indicated either a nervous tick or an impressive, conscious attempt to allow herself to be perceived as enchanting or – possibly – sexy.

Sadly, her language skills and overall substance were not nearly as eloquent or endearing as her date’s. Every other word involved the word “like,” and her counter-response questions were lightweight and less enthusiastic than her body language would otherwise have her date believe. It wasn't entirely unlike watching Sarah Palin in a debate. She touched vaguely on what could be viewed as endless topics of family and post-college life, insecurely leaving conversation topics just when they were supposed to get interesting.

This continued for thirty minutes or so, which in the moment might translate to an hour or more depending on how much (or if) either of them actually enjoyed the date. Not much of topical significance had occurred in the meantime, minus a strangely brief and seemingly blasee mention of sadism and masochism that left more than a little something to be desired.

And then, at last signaling his disinterest, he tossed out the “It was nice meeting you” line that effectively draws the line in the sand. The two barely spent ten seconds walking away from the table and scurrying out of the shop, going their separate ways and effectively re-instating their status as strangers evermore.

Do you have tips for a successful first date? Have an experience you'd like to share? Connect with 'Brotherly Love' by following @BrotherlyLover on Twitter.

Five Surefire Signs Your Date is a 'Phlake'

On my on-going hunt for the perfect stud, I've encountered many a flake in this fair city of ours, indicating that I either attract all of the wrong people, or that -- as is more likely the case -- you are in eminent danger of being approached by one of these malignant, yet strangely seductive creatures.

The Philly flake.

But no worries, consider me your Spider-Man (or Batman, depending on which summer blockbuster you're currently stanning for), ready to shoot-out my white, sticky string and take down your flake with one shot. (That sounds much more sexual than actually intended, I promise.)

Or, perhaps more realistically, I can offer you a few tips on identifying this elusive being and picking a guy or gal who won't leave you standing at the altar or, just as bad, sitting alone in the coffee shop with two already-bought iced coffees and damaged spirits.

1. He/she leaves out the specifics. All too commonly, people make plans for a date, but fail to rein-in the specifics. Going for coffee? Great, now find out where. Going for a walk in the park with some ice cream? Sounds fantastically corny, but which park? Which ice cream joint? These are simple questions that somehow are frequently left unanswered for one reason or another, but if you notice the other person becoming particularly hesitant when asked to provide details or offer recommendations, odds are the person is more attracted to the chase of scoring a date than actually fulfilling the dating obligations. Ambiguity is the enemy.
2. An inconsistent rate of texting. Texting is one of the biggest (and easiest) ways to uncover a flake. If the person you've planned a date with fails to respond to your text message within an hour (particularly during the morning or early evening), their level of commitment is probably fairly low. It might sound harsh, but if someone is excited about a date with you, it will show in their language and willingness to respond to your messages. Don't lie to yourself and believe his/her phone died and your text hasn't been read, or that they've just been too busy to respond. Typing a response takes all of ten seconds even with the most irksome of phones; they know you're there, they just don't care.
3. Unusual circumstances of meeting. I'm constantly baffled by those who meet someone at a bar on a Tuesday afternoon and are shocked when they finally realize they're either a flake or, frankly, a loser. Add context to how your date came to be; if the person bailed on friends to come talk to you, that probably doesn't bode well for when you're out on your date and suddenly find yourself drinking alone as he/she mingles with other people.
4. "Yeah, maybe." The M-word: "Maybe." My advice for this one is simple and straightforward: Avoid this person at all costs. You don't want to date a "maybe" kind of person, you want someone self-assured and able to provide you with definitive answers that don't leave you feeling insecure or confused. In this sense, their uncertainty should work to your benefit.
5. They have a demanding job. Although understandable, those with time-intensive and unconventional jobs are common, unfortunate criminals of flaking. To their defense, it can't be helped -- being a worker-bee isn't a crime, but consciously leading people on and squeezing them into a daily schedule right after their morning meeting with their boss and immediately before a flight to Tokyo is.

Have some of your own tips for identifying a "phlake"? Send them to @BrotherlyLover on Twitter or to brandon.baker@temple.edu