Words you never said, in a text you never sent

Left alone in a dark room with nothing but your thoughts, you recount the things you might have done differently, and debate all of those unsaid words swirling through your mind like a tornado that never touched ground. One moment, you tell yourself you made the right decision, and that moving forward without the baggage is the best route. In another moment, you ponder whether that last text you sent – or rather, didn’t send, may have made the difference.

It’s a funny, funny world of communication we now live in.

Never has it been easier to interact with someone than it is today, and yet more and more, those words that we can feel slipping off the tip of our tongue still slide back into the back of our throat, thrust into an abyss of no return. Perhaps it’s because the choice to express emotion has been simplified to a text box and a “send” button, or perhaps it’s just because we don’t feel the need to take chances in the way we used to.

Finding myself in a bit of a predicament with my own texting experience, I received an out-of-the-blue message that left my eyebrow raised but my heart churning with excitement. It was the kind of text message you envision getting, but realistically convince yourself won’t happen. The text’s surface message was simple, but as most texts also are, complex in its hidden meaning. It goes without saying that no one judges a text based on its content as much as they do its context, and this was especially true of this case. My id dared me to indulge in the opportunity, but my ego saw me playing it safe and responding with words that I knew held no meaning, regardless of their context. The latter has left me contemplating how my love life might be different with a more ambitious response, with this case as well as the countless others that remain untold.

All of which begs the question of what you do with these texts that result in a racing heart and an apprehensive pair of thumbs; what you do with these hidden messages that lurk behind an actual message like a panther eager to pounce but suppressed by long-term tactics.

Our love lives are full of roads we’ve either bypassed or completely blockaded with “caution” signs and police sirens screeching with sounds of warning to steer you away from a desperate scenario. There are texts we ignore that could have developed into something more with a little more risk-taking, and conversations full of potential we intentionally lead down the path of simplicity out of basic anxiety. They’re all interactions with variables, with unrealized outcomes we may always be left to wonder about.

I once wrote a love letter to a person I was involved with, and found myself tempted to send it, knowing that the particular person appreciated handcrafted and heartfelt materials. I had the letter written, folded, and ready to go in an envelope, before something shouting deep within me sprang to consciousness and stopped my hand from slipping it into the mailbox. Sometimes, I wonder how that relationship would have evolved had I actually sent that letter. More recently, I consider how many more of these heart-protecting actions I’ve unknowingly taken, and particularly whether those words I’ve left unsaid in text messages have actually changed my life in ways I may never understand. Never has mankind had more opportunity to take a chance on someone, to put themselves out there with a few pecks from a twiddling thumb, and yet so infrequently do we take advantage of these opportunities to truly become close with someone.

It’s hard to determine whether an unsent text message (letter, email, whatever it may be) represents the life-altering scenario you envision in your mind, but it is nonetheless true that these represent chances not taken, and roads left unmapped. In some cases, it’s understandably just not worth it to take the chance, but as you’re driving down your road of mind-boggling love and infatuation, consider for a moment that your life is not limited to the roads laid out before you. As you drive yourself past these exits and pit stops, remind yourself that the road is your own creation, with a boundless array of unpaved roads left ahead of you that remain a mystery but hold the potential to be the most fruitful. Consider it a Columbus state of mind.

In the end, I beg this one thing of you: don’t leave yourself drowning in the words you’ve never said.

Have a question you want answered by Brotherly Lover? Send an email to brandon.baker@temple.edu or a tweet to @BrotherlyLover.

Meeting 'Mr. Right' in the 'New Age of Dating'

When it comes to finding love, we like to imagine that perfect meeting spot. You catch someone coyly smiling at you from another table at the coffee shop, or that perfect gentleman helping you stand up from your broken fall on the street corner. It's romantic, it's dreamy, it's corny.

The imagining of meeting that special someone and actually experiencing it for yourself are in fact two very different ideas. If we were to delve into the details of how modern people meet their loved ones, you'd be more likely to hear a story starting with the word "OkCupid" than you would be to hear anything about some handsome silhouette sweeping you off your feet.

I call it the "New Age of Dating." Just as the standards changed when the automobile and movie theater came into play, so it has changed with the introduction and endurance of the Internet. Like it or not, it dictates who, where, and why we date.

To broaden the matter, the invention of the cell phone and the "love to hate" text message have stretched out this concept even further. Now, when you meet that person that catches your eye online, you're not just expected to sit through a charming instant messaging conversation at your computer, you're expected to send that person a glowing text message on the go ... and God forbid you send it a minute late.

I recently got together with one of my favorite "Jersey boys" (who, at his core, is anything but Jersey-typical) for coffee and catching up, and he informed me that, upon some deep reflection, he had decided to drop his cell phone plan. To make things more interesting, he decided to do so immediately after spending a large sum of money on a brand new smartphone.

Go figure, right?

As someone who is practically in a relationship with his phone, I didn't know what to make of it. His primary argument was that - on top of being an extra expense - his cell phone stifled personal interactions. He was essentially saying that cell phones don't make socializing easier, they in fact do just the opposite.

And as I thought about it more, I had to question it myself. When it comes to interacting with others, particularly dating, does new age technology really change the dynamics of dating for the better?

As time has gone on, the text message in particular has become a subject of interest. "OMG, he didn't text me back!" is a pretty common, eye-rolling phrase you'll hear passing by someone on the street. When it comes right down to it, texting has become more political than it has personal.

And online profiles? Somehow it has become considered "creepy" to view someone's profile, or to write too much about yourself in an "About Me" description. Color me ignorant, but the whole point of a dating site is to have access to this sort of thing, correct?

As a society, we've become so consumed in the norms of the digital age, that we don't actually stop and think about whether any of it is benefitting us at all. We seek not a real connection from our text messages, but an unhealthy, sometimes dangerous self-validation that a relationship should not be dependent upon. That isn't to say I'm an advocate of ditching the cell phone and laptop, but I would advise putting the phone down and ignoring your match.com or Grindr accounts for a few weeks, and seeing how you handle it.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned thus far in the dating world, is that the bigger the challenge is, the bigger the pay-off will be. In a society where passive aggressiveness has become commonplace, you'd be amazed what wonders being straightforward can do for you. So the next time you find yourself typing that extra "lol" or "smiley face" in your text message to earn "cool points," try hunting that love interest down in person and letting them see that beautiful smile for themselves. It's more telling than any kind of short-form syntax, and just might get you that one, genuine response you've always hoped for.