Five (Optimistic) Ways to Feel As Good As You Look

I was relatively surprised to see one bitch dedicated reader describe my most recent blog entry as being very "dark." Now, I can recognize that the topics I tackle aren't always the most uplifting, but I do try and sprinkle in some inkling of optimism at the tail end of each entry to give readers (and myself) renewed belief that success stories do exist in the world of ooey-gooey love.

But as I walked down Walnut St. with my deliciously overpriced Starbucks latte in hand, contemplating whether I really am just too cynical about dating as well as whether I should grab Chinese food before going home, I stumbled upon a sign posted on the tiny construction site near the intersection of Broad and Walnut (pictured).

I'm a firm believer in the idea that things do happen for a reason, and today my conclusion was, like an epiphany to be had in the corniest Jennifer Aniston movie, that I found myself face-to-face with this ambiguously inspiring sign (that undoubtedly had a different meaning) for a bigger reason.

When date after date goes wrong, it becomes easier to sink into disheartened delusion than optimistic perseverance. Could it be that the singles are just cynics?

After giving it some further thought, here is what I've decided I'm going to do: below is a tongue-in-cheek list of five things I might ordinarily write for a Brotherly Love blog entry. Next to them (that is, the list of things I probably would more sincerely advise), are hopeful fortune cookie-esque bits of advice with a Utopian, "it gets better" spin put on them.

Without further adieu, let's try this on for size.

1. Stop slitting your wrist to "Someone Like You." Make the choice to actively listen to feel-good music. Feeling better about yourself means choosing to not indulge in music that finds strength in sorrow. Dust off your girl-power albums from the '90s and get to listening!

2. Burn your ex's things in a ceremonial bonfire. Make peace with your demons. Break-ups can be rough, but your mood doesn't have to be. Make it a point to be civil with your new ex; don't be the crazy ex-girlfriend if you don't have to.

3. Drink away your problems until you're passed out in the bathroom of iCandy. Find a healthy way to de-stress and move forward. Some people start going to the gym to work out anxiety as well as improve their body image, and that's more than OK. Developing a less self-destructive way of relieving negative tension is a fantastic first step to improving how you are perceived by others as well as how you view yourself.

4. Think about how much better you turned out than your high school classmates. Consider how fortunate you are to have the life you do. Opt to focus on the successes of your relationships rather than the failures, and never take for granted the support system you have around you. They can be more valuable than we realize sometimes.

5. Get laid. ...Get laid.


Still not optimistic enough? Send your thoughts to brandon.baker@temple.edu

Five Do's and Don'ts for the Online Dater

New online dating sites are popping up all the time, which is either a sign that the dating form is becoming more and more regular, or that people just love "punny" tongue-in-cheek .com venue titles like "PlentyOfFish." I write this blog from the perspective of the former, but secretly hoping for the latter. (Bring on "plentyofsausage.com," por favor?)

The Do's:

1. Create a profile. The simple and obvious note regarding online dating, don't simply be the bystander mocking the concept when you yourself haven't had a date in over a year. Your pride doesn't mean a whole lot when you're sleeping alone, does it?

2. Use a recent picture in your profile. You have some flexibility with this one; my personal rule is to not post anything more than a year old. However, if you're approaching the big 5-0, be aware that your date might step into the restaurant a bit surprised if you posted a picture of your 25-year-old self with rock hard abs, and you're sporting a new gray 'do and a beer gut.

3. Find the right forum for you. Not all dating networks are the same; if you're a lesbian you certainly aren't going to want to sign up for Grindr, and if you're a gay man, you're probably going to want to steer clear of the homophobic eHarmony that seems to get more TV advertisement than Viagra circa 2000. Like anything else you'd deem important in your life, do your research.

4. Be available, but don't be too available.
You want people to know that you're on the market, but refrain from using the dreaded "R word." Even if you are looking for a relationship, don't specifically advertise that you're looking for one. It leaves the door open for relationship-addicted freak-a-zoids to knock on your profile's door and throw out a marriage proposal. But do be clear and specific about what you want so as to create a niche audience for yourself.

5. Don't be afraid to embellish. Leave your ethics out of your profile. Even if your life is boring, you should never advertise yourself that way. Take the mundane and make it interesting if you have nothing better to include in your profile. So you like marshmallows? Throw in some snarky, made-up "Brokeback Mountain" joke about a time you and your pals sat around the campfire making smores. You work at Wal-Mart? Tell them you work at Whole Foods - especially if you're shooting for the hipster crowd.

The Don'ts:

1. OkStupid. OK, so OkCupid actually goes on the list of better sites you could be using (especially as a free site), but the forum has its flaws in both design and demographics. In general, the site falls in a particularly unique category of sites where you are able to see who is viewing your profile, and when they're viewing. This could be a great thing if everyone that views your profile is sending you a message, but be prepared to ready those shields if you can't take the self-esteem hit. These sites are meant for the confident and straightforward, not the weak of heart or timid types. I won't advise you to not use this site, as I've had my own set of personal success stories with it, but I send you into the battlefield waving a warning flag.

2. "Hey, hot stuff." You find that sexy gal's profile, your claymore goes skyward bound, and your immediate instinct is to let them know. When you reach this point, run to the nearest freezer, grab an ice tray, and topple it downward; no one wants to talk to a creep, even if you're attractive. Success with online dating comes not just from having a perfected profile, but from knowing how to greet new people. Find something witty to say pertaining to their profile without making it look like you've scanned everything they've written three times over.

3. Don't reveal too much, too soon. One of the biggest problems with online dating is that your back-and-forth messages don't leave much room for a great introductory conversation on a first date. Try to keep your conversation a length where you can determine your level of interest, and then continue the conversation in person if you so choose.

4. Choose a safe meeting place. Thankfully, the issue of safety with online dating is slowly going downhill, but it is still an issue. I made the mistake of meeting a 50-year-old creep posing as a 25-year-old hunk at his home; believe me when I say you never want to end up in such an awkward position.

5. Don't linger on a profile. In between your date, it can be easy to stare at your computer screen and reread their profile in anticipation of an exciting date. It's understandable, but building expectations for a date is never a good thing. Dating - online or off - is not meant to be an end-all, be-all of your life, just a side story on an ongoing adventure. Don't take it so seriously.

Have some online dating do's or don'ts of your own? Send me an email at brandon.baker@temple.edu, or leave a comment below.

The Three Rs of 9/11: rememberance, rebuilding and reconnection

Each week I sort through my wall of post-it notes that comprises every single idea that sparks in my mind for this blog. This week, I was fully prepared to please with another thought-provoking, contentious topic on dating and relationships courtesy of "the wall of thoughts," when it occurred to me what today is and what it represents. It suddenly seemed silly for me to preach about dating and relationships when something bigger overshadows the standard aura of the day.

But when I dug to the core of why September 11th is represented as such a somber day, I considered that the tragedy behind the landmark event is not the death toll, the loss of information or the loss of an American symbol, but the impact it had on families that were intertwined through relationships.

For some it was a simple reminder to appreciate their loved ones, and for others it was a direct effect of deep loss and heartbreak. It was, truly, the type of event that shapes a lifetime.

But these aren't lessons you haven't already heard or don't already know; instead, what I've tried to take away from the horrors of 9/11, is an understanding of the differences between what you have, what you want, and most importantly, who you are.

How do these lessons connect to 9/11?

September 11th stands for the one thing in our lives that puts our worldviews into perspective: loss. The most fruitful introspective experiences happen under extreme stress and during times of monumental loss. The hole left in our lives serves as something that needs to be filled, and many mindlessly grab their figurative shovel in search of dirt to fill that hole. What happens, unfortunately, is a downward spiral that fills the hole with sharp-pointed, edgy rocks instead of the mounds of dirt needed to make us feel "whole again."

Rebuilding from loss involves a lot of self-reflection and comprehension of the things you really have in your life, what they mean to you, what life expansions you want to seek out and a comprehensive understanding of who it is that you are; not who you avoid becoming or aim to become. Who you are shapes who you will be.

I can only imagine the introspection that happened (and still happens) in the minds of those that experienced such great loss during and following the tragedy of 9/11, but the experience itself should find a place in your own life as an example of how to reconnect with yourself and what your life means to you.

As cliche as it may seem, the loss you experience in life is only a physical one. Your loved one may have perished in the flames, but the impact they had on your life is a flame that burns eternally and molds your future self. My best piece of advice, is to not be afraid to light a new candle. You may not find that you want or need the same things post-trauma, but that shouldn't be associated with not wanting/needing anything.

My Jewish friends and followers might appreciate the analogy of our lives being a manifestation of the menorah. The candle-holding instrument itself is shaped and made what it is by the many (but limited) candles it holds, with each one having its own symbolism and role.

By all means, don't let your menorah go unlit.

Remember the images of 9/11 and its lasting influences for the sake of moving forward, rebuild to form a new foundation for your life and reconnect with yourself as a reminder that there will always be a blossoming flower poking somewhere through the rubble.

Stoking the fires of fate

"Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game." - Voltaire

Fate. It's the one word that makes some cringe and others squeal with excitement at the prospect that their life is already predetermined, presumably in the best of ways. But if life is just a road map that we navigate to the same destination, how do we determine which choices are really the best ones?

Choices. Another striking word that evokes some of the most stressful anxiety from our minds. We ask ourselves the simplest of questions that lead to the most complex of situations: "Is he the one?"; "Do I choose him or my career?"; "Am I ready?"

Unfortunately, life does not provide us with a top-of-the-line GPS system to assure us that we're headed in the right direction. The choices we make are left solely to our own judgment, our own peace of mind.

I have been left contemplating where my life choices have taken me in the past year, what role I've been given as a result, and how my life may be different today had I taken a different unfamiliar route. On a deeper level, I'm left to consider whether fate, that elusive word that escapes all human comprehension, really does exist?

I don't doubt that we've all found ourselves in eerie predicaments at one point or another that have left us wondering this same question. You run into an old flame on the street against all odds; your trip to the coffee shop substantiates into an earth-shattering relationship with someone who happened to be sitting next to you; you find sparks with your co-worker at a new job you were initially skeptical of taking.

And of course, you imagine what direction your life would have taken had you not taken that new job, decided to go to the coffee shop that day, or taken that particular detour you did while walking on the street. Is it possible that, despite all of our efforts, strategies and boundaries we try to layout in our love lives, that our "destiny" is controlled by something ... dare I say ... supernatural?

I've never fancied myself the type to put faith into things I can't directly see or experience, but I believe I've stumbled into the territory of what I call a "closet fater." And really, what is so unfathomable about the idea of love being beyond the realm of logic? Anyone who loves their abusive boyfriend, their husband that they know is unfaithful, or that euphorically addictive but toxic person in their life can tell you that reasoning plays little role in the dynamics of such an emotion.

In that case, maybe it is not so much fate that drives our direction in life, so much as love itself. It isn't predestined, but it is likely to pull us in one direction over another. To believe in fate, ultimately, is to believe in love.

We may not have the choice of deciding who we love or whether that love blossoms into everything we want it to be, but we do have the comforting choice to believe in fate, in all of its otherworldly glory.

Introducing the 'Your Life, Your Love, Your Story Campaign'

Got relationships?

"Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" is ready to hear your side of the story. When it comes to relationships, it's always important to remember that there is an exception to every rule, a story to counteract every common belief. This is where you come in.

It's one thing to write about dating and relationships from an outside perspective, and another to witness it first hand. "Brotherly Love" wants to hear all of the gory intricacies of your relationship; every gleeful reminiscence, every near-break-up moment, every scandalous detail to what makes you and your significant other "tick." And most importantly, what role the City of Philadelphia has had on the dynamics of your dyad.

But this campaign is not for the faint of heart, nor the extreme optimist, nor the extreme cynic. This is a campaign for the realists in the world - in Philadelphia. This campaign is not about spreading love, it is about spreading truth.

If you and your partner would like to be profiled as an example of a "real" Philadelphian relationship, simply send an email my way at brandon.baker@temple.edu. The process will be quite simple: we meet for coffee (or tea, if that's your thing), I grill you with the tough questions, and you check back to brotherlylover.blogspot.com soon after to see the result. If you have further questions or hesitations about what to expect or what the campaign represents, do not think twice about inquiring.

Let's make this city a better place for relationships to sprout and blossom, one story at a time.

'Giving and Taking' for a Better Tomorrow

In your greatest times of desperation, you find yourself sitting alone somewhere, thinking about just how low you’ll go to get even a slice of what you really want. We seek out that distraction that we deem necessary to brighten our lonely nights and, ultimately, our lonely lives. But what if what we really need in life isn’t at all what we’ve always believed it to be, and our hopes, dreams and expectations serve as nothing more than a mere mirage in the desert of the mind?

In many respects, life is one grand game of give-and-take. You give yourself to someone in hopes that what they have to offer in exchange is worth more than what you’re giving up. But what happens when, like passing along trading cards on the playground, you find yourself giving away a Charizard in exchange for a Goldeen?

In my own travels, I’ve stumbled upon all kinds of relationships with varying degrees of this give-and-take dynamic. I’ve witnessed those who cherish their partner enough to “settle down” when they’ve never thought themselves as “the marrying kind;” and I’ve met others who have tragically and (on the surface) delusionally given all of themselves for a relationship based on poor foundation.

But the one thing I’ve found in common with these relationships, despite my own cynicism and the apparent lack of inconsistency, is a smile. They give, they take, they fight, they complain, but they always end with a smile. In a dating world that demands that others find a balance of the game of give-and-take, how is one to interpret a relationship that thrives despite a lack of this so-called ideal dynamic.

In the time we spend analyzing our dating lives and determining what is “proper,” it seems likely that we miss out on what we truly want, and what we truly need. We become so obsessed with this idea of balance and appropriateness, that our definition of what makes a relationship successful becomes … jaded.

The moment you find yourself content in a relationship is most likely to occur the moment you realize that a relationship is never going to be a real-life reflection of your own fantasies.

Regardless of what logic might have you believe, a successful, balanced relationship finds its success not in the count of months that it endures, but the count of smiles that are constantly plastered onto your face. Even when or if the relationship meets its end, who is to say that that makes the relationship unsuccessful? Why spend days, weeks and months mourning our “failed” relationships, when we could celebrate the wonderful times that preceded the unfortunate end of an era?

Life, as entangled as it is in the game of give-and-take, is measured better by your own relative stance on success. Finding love and losing it isn’t something to be sour or bitter about, it’s something to celebrate. You celebrate not just the fact that it happened, but the fact that it was able to happen, and that it will happen again.

So, no matter where you are in life, no matter how lonely or desperate you may feel, raise a glass to the comforting thought that you can feel at all. Because in the end, even if you find yourself as an elderly “cat lady,” you can rejoice in knowing that you were able to share your love, and give it away to someone (cat or otherwise) you gave worth to.

10 Tips for the New Dater in Philadelphia (Part 1)

Philadelphia is loaded with an unfortunate amount of suburban and rural newcomers that are painfully unaware of how brutal the Philadelphia dating scene can be. As someone who has been around the block once or twice, I offer my advice based on the experiences I've had thus far in Philly's dating world. Hopefully this list can help prevent a few heartbreaks and disappointments from coming to fruition... and maybe even lead to some success stories?

1. Do not text a person in between an introduction and a first date. The whole point of a first date is to get to know someone, and form an impression based on all angles of an individual. This includes body language and tone of voice. It's counter-intuitive to have your first date before you actually have your first date.

2. Know when to change yourself and when not to. This is perhaps one of the greatest pieces of advice I can offer anyone new to the Philly dating scene. It is only natural that you'll have to alter your "real self" for your date; dating is a lot like running a business. You need to market your product, know your key demographics, and present yourself with a reasonable asking price. However, know what's worth changing about yourself for someone, and what is completely unacceptable by your own self-respecting standards.

3. Know which dates are worth making in the first place. So many people become either jaded or pessimistic because of their choice in dates. If you're unsatisfied with the dates you go on, then by all means, change your target audience. Don't keep dating the same types of people over and over again, expecting a different result. That isn't how it works. You may find that the guy or gal that seemingly "isn't your type" is the love of your life.

4. Don't limit yourself to one dating resource. You like meeting people through the Philly bar scene? Cool. I'm sure there are plenty of success stories from people meeting at Woody's and Tavern (note the hint of sarcasm), but people who frequent these places tend to either be looking for something that isn't quite defined as a relationship, or to pull a "flirt and flake." If you want to meet a variety of people or someone "wholesome," look elsewhere. Try Shoprite.

5. Always go into a date prepared to pick up the tab. And please, people, leave the feminist-inspired bullshit at home. I'm not saying you need to pay for dinner, but be prepared to offer. Very few people honestly like paying for someone else's dinner without at least being given the chance to not have to.

Look out for the remaining five tips this Wednesday. If you've experienced something that's taught you a valuable lesson about dating and the elusive feeling of "love," please shoot me an e-mail at brandon.baker@temple.edu or leave a comment below. "Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" wants to hear what you have to say.

Fighting the Fairytales for the Life of the 'Single and Fabulous'

Living the life of the "single and fabulous" is, more often than not, quite the challenge - especially in the City of Philadelphia. You believe in love, but you don't believe in its necessity to living a good life. You believe in companionship, but you don't believe that it needs to come in the form of a life partner. And most importantly, you believe in sex, but you don't believe one lover is enough to last a lifetime.

Our society loves to put down those who live the single life as narcissistic or, worse yet, cynical. They claim that if you're living life out loud as a single person, then you must simply be "lost," which is, more often than not, followed-up with that blood pressure-raising stare of sympathy that says "Honey, you just haven't met the right person yet."

As any Philadelphian that ventures out on a Friday night can tell you, this city is filled with single men and women. But it's worth noting, that being "single" is much different than being "single and fabulous."

If you've ever watched a Disney movie, you're very much aware of the heaping amount of pressure put on individuals to find their Prince Charming or Cinderella. When was the last time you heard a fairy tale that ended with the girl being single and enjoying a cosmopolitan at a bar on a Friday night?

You don't; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Our lives ultimately boil down to what we make of them, and as it seems, we try to make them unrealistic love stories that just never come to fruition. We linger, we dwell, and we expect nothing but the best for ourselves when it comes to love.

But consider this: What happens when you have spent your entire life making decisions that revolve around the mere possibility of someone coming along? Consider, for a moment, whether you could live with yourself knowing that you'd spent a lifetime making your story another version of a ninth-century writer's deluded fairy tale.

Obsessing over love does not make it come to you any faster, nor does it make your life any more accomplished than it would be otherwise.

Truly, to be a compelling version of "single and fabulous," the first step comes not just in realizing that your so-called "soulmate" may never stumble upon you, but expecting that very outcome. Plan your life on the realities of today, not on the hopes of tomorrow.

But perhaps what one really needs to know about being "single and fabulous," is that the label is not (and should not) be defined by the example of the person that frequents ICandy every night, or has promiscuous sex just for the sake of doing so. After all, the label isn't "single and desperate."

What is really fabulous about being single, is the self-confidence you build in the process of understanding that your life does not need to be recognized or built-up by anyone other than yourself. Who cares if your significant other doesn't approve of your career path? Who cares if he/she thinks you're too "this or that;" what matters is what you think of yourself. And if you don't love yourself, then certainly no one else is going to love you.

Some call it harsh, some call it deviant, some call it a bad Lady GaGa song. I call it fabulous.

Meeting 'Mr. Right' in the 'New Age of Dating'

When it comes to finding love, we like to imagine that perfect meeting spot. You catch someone coyly smiling at you from another table at the coffee shop, or that perfect gentleman helping you stand up from your broken fall on the street corner. It's romantic, it's dreamy, it's corny.

The imagining of meeting that special someone and actually experiencing it for yourself are in fact two very different ideas. If we were to delve into the details of how modern people meet their loved ones, you'd be more likely to hear a story starting with the word "OkCupid" than you would be to hear anything about some handsome silhouette sweeping you off your feet.

I call it the "New Age of Dating." Just as the standards changed when the automobile and movie theater came into play, so it has changed with the introduction and endurance of the Internet. Like it or not, it dictates who, where, and why we date.

To broaden the matter, the invention of the cell phone and the "love to hate" text message have stretched out this concept even further. Now, when you meet that person that catches your eye online, you're not just expected to sit through a charming instant messaging conversation at your computer, you're expected to send that person a glowing text message on the go ... and God forbid you send it a minute late.

I recently got together with one of my favorite "Jersey boys" (who, at his core, is anything but Jersey-typical) for coffee and catching up, and he informed me that, upon some deep reflection, he had decided to drop his cell phone plan. To make things more interesting, he decided to do so immediately after spending a large sum of money on a brand new smartphone.

Go figure, right?

As someone who is practically in a relationship with his phone, I didn't know what to make of it. His primary argument was that - on top of being an extra expense - his cell phone stifled personal interactions. He was essentially saying that cell phones don't make socializing easier, they in fact do just the opposite.

And as I thought about it more, I had to question it myself. When it comes to interacting with others, particularly dating, does new age technology really change the dynamics of dating for the better?

As time has gone on, the text message in particular has become a subject of interest. "OMG, he didn't text me back!" is a pretty common, eye-rolling phrase you'll hear passing by someone on the street. When it comes right down to it, texting has become more political than it has personal.

And online profiles? Somehow it has become considered "creepy" to view someone's profile, or to write too much about yourself in an "About Me" description. Color me ignorant, but the whole point of a dating site is to have access to this sort of thing, correct?

As a society, we've become so consumed in the norms of the digital age, that we don't actually stop and think about whether any of it is benefitting us at all. We seek not a real connection from our text messages, but an unhealthy, sometimes dangerous self-validation that a relationship should not be dependent upon. That isn't to say I'm an advocate of ditching the cell phone and laptop, but I would advise putting the phone down and ignoring your match.com or Grindr accounts for a few weeks, and seeing how you handle it.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned thus far in the dating world, is that the bigger the challenge is, the bigger the pay-off will be. In a society where passive aggressiveness has become commonplace, you'd be amazed what wonders being straightforward can do for you. So the next time you find yourself typing that extra "lol" or "smiley face" in your text message to earn "cool points," try hunting that love interest down in person and letting them see that beautiful smile for themselves. It's more telling than any kind of short-form syntax, and just might get you that one, genuine response you've always hoped for.

What Do You Do With a Broken Heart?

In the process of dealing with a break-up or flat-out rejection, you go through just about every state of mind you can possibly imagine. There’s the phase of pure anger, where you shatter your wine glass on the ground in pure rage. There’s the phase of denial, where you try and justify every word that has been said and every tiny action that can be analyzed. And of course, there’s that pure, simple and lingering phase of sadness of which I need not describe.

And perhaps what’s most unfortunate about it all, is this process never really comes to a halt, no matter how many times you experience it, or how logical you try to be. Your sensibilities don’t work in a love-struck world where, by its own nature, there is no such thing as “rational.”

What does it mean, then, that even with all of this “experience” we have, we still can’t learn to just move on?

It’s easy to tell yourself to “get back on the horse and try again,” and to move onward from all that is doom and gloom, but doing so is often a completely different story. Humankind prides itself on dwelling. “What don’t we dwell on?” is undeniably a much better question than the reverse.

What I’ve come to realize, however, is that rather than sinking in these feelings and letting them consume you (and boy do they consume), it eases the pain in the long run to tackle these feelings head on and – if at all possible – bypass them altogether.

You have the friends who will advise you to do this or that in the post-break-up process, and many of us do so accordingly. We “wait it out,” thinking that we’re being the bigger person by avoiding confrontation and talking out feelings. But when it comes down to it, these games of emotional politics do more harm than they do good. We need only look at the example of Washington for further proof of the damage political thinking can deal.

I don’t have the clear-cut answer to heartbreak; if I did I’d certainly have a much more solid business model than running a column on Blogger. But the advice I can give that will save pain in the long-term, is to stop running.

Stop running from those feelings that you don’t want to feel anymore. Stop running from the anger and the frustration that you feel for the person who broke your heart. Stop running from the bright light coming toward you, because doing that is the only thing holding you back from moving forward.

Love and heartbreak are not “black and white” subjects, and they surely are not emotions that any doctor or scientist can ever give you a solid solution to. No one can write you a prescription for a broken heart. In that very way, it just might be the worst disease to ever plague humanity. It’s everywhere, and it’s unavoidable.

But like The Black Death, you’ve got to warn the others and stay on-guard during the entire duration of the outbreak. But always keep in mind that living in fear of being struck by it is a worse poison than the harsh realities of love could ever be.