The Rules of Party Attraction

Anyone who's anyone knows the game of party-hopping on a Saturday night, and anyone with a condom in their pocket or a yearning heart has their sights set on the night's crowd, seeking the time of their life. Lights, camera, dry hump on the dancefloor: Don't let your perfectly groomed hair and snazzy clubbin' get-up go to waste.

To the dismay of single folk everywhere, making the most of a party is a multi-step process more laborious than your mind might realize as you click "Attend" to RSVP on Facebook for the shindig you've been obsessing over. Beyond the surprisingly hefty amount of time spent preparing for a party (hair, outfits, make-up, cocktail hour beforehand - the whole sixty-nine yards), the checklist of matters to take care of upon walking into a party seems almost endless: Greet your gracious host, say a brief hello to those few people you recognize ("Oh, it's simply been too long!"), check your things in, and then assimilate into the crowd to get your groove on before you're quickly branded as the loser standing alone in a corner grinding against the wall.

From there, it's a matter of sex smarts and plastering enough smiles and sultry eye glances on your face to permanently fixate your expressions in one position for the entire night.

The simple goal here? Don't look like a goober.

What I've recently come to realize, is that there's a legitimate reason why the popular phrase "catch of the day" exists in the [gay] dating world. At some point in your party experience - and it's normally very early on in your time at the party - you're going to inevitably find yourself escaping into a corner that gives you a panoramic view of the selections of the night, and you're going to scout the lake for the biggest fish, the smelliest one, the ugliest one and, if you're fortunate enough, the tasty, mouth-watering one.

And at this point, it's a matter of casting your line, and reeling it in.

As a result of some fruitful, enlightening discussion with one of my fellow party-goers, I've come to a (somewhat) life-changing realization that there are, in fact, four types of people you will encounter during your "fishing trip":

1. The guy who's just not that into you. Sadly, you will be incredibly and inexplicably attracted to this person, but their sights are set on someone else. Perhaps it's the lighting, or perhaps you just look like shit that night, but it's not going to happen - no matter how many drinks you grab for them or how many buttons you unhook down the line of your shirt. It's best to realize who this person is early on, so as to not waste valuable time on those who you don't actually stand a chance with. Get over it.

2. The second guy who's just not that into you. It shouldn't come as a surprise that there are more than one of these characters in existence at a party. If you run into this person twice in a row, your stroke of luck has probably ditched you for another party. But if you happen to casually stumble upon this person and acknowledge that they're going after another person fairly quickly, there might still be a chance for your sexual fortune.

3. The guy who's really into you, but makes you want to projectile vomit your cosmo. No, it's not a bad batch of cosmos or spoiled lime juice, it's that guy who won't stop staring at you while you're drunkenly grinding on your best friend. The easy way to tackle this, is to run to the other side of the crowd in hopes that they won't follow suit or will stumble upon a different dud stud to be infatuated with. Otherwise, you might try to hook them up yourself; or if you're suave enough, intentionally talk to them and make yourself seem about as appealing as Charlie Sheen on Twitter.

4. The guy who is "just right." OK, so it's not quite as romantic or ideal as the tale of Goldie Locks, but spotting this catch is the moment you should really whip out the net and dive it into the water. And contrary to what some might advise, "playing it safe" with this person is the absolute worst tactic you can employ. Instead of striking up conversation about what they do, talk about who they do. Instead of discussion about their day, talk about the events of the party. That doesn't mean appeasing them, per se, but do be politically affluent enough to know when you're being a kiss-ass. Just like a job interview, emphasize your skills.

As you strut your way into your next party, do try to be conscious of the four-person rule, and for the love of God, don't stand in a corner by yourself the entire night. Bring your fishing rod, and be prepared to get in the game - no matter how long you may end up waiting for a bite.

Mind over Matter, Love over Logic

I've spent enough time and energy on dating to know how the long-winded search for love works. You trudge through the first date, working your charm and presenting yourself as if interviewing for a job - if you want the job badly enough, your mind nervously goes into overdrive and exaggerates everything you do and say. If you don't really want the job, but you feel like you still might want it as a fallback, you still state your best qualities, but take on a demeanor that is relaxed and relatively uninvested, leaving the person on the other end of the "interview" either thoroughly impressed by your attitude or completely turned off. Afterward, you follow through with the text treatment - or the "follow-up" - for a few short weeks, and continue dating until one person either takes a step forward or waves their white flag and runs in the opposite direction.

As it turns out, I'm normally the one waving the white flag in surrender.

Relationships, to the dismay of many delusional hopeful, optimistic rom-com lovers, take work. It's a process that begins to feel like a second job (or perhaps a third or fourth, depending on your lifestyle), leading to a more disillusioned perspective on love than your 5-year-old, Cinderella-watching self would know what to do with. And as a result, we're utterly dumbfounded when we finally encounter a person who accomplishes something so mind-boggling, so absolutely unthinkable that we're stopped in our tracks: the realization of finally feeling "the zsa zsa zsu."

The saying goes that "opposites attract," and if that is in fact the case, then why are so many people surprised when they go through date after date seeking a manufactured connection with someone? The feeling of love is, inherently, an inexplicable emotional phenomenon. So vague, so ambiguous a concept, that the world's greatest creators of fine literature have spent their entire lives deciphering its meaning and its role in life and its everyday events. Such an intriguing thought, that bloggers like myself dedicate a wall in their bedroom to post-it notes questioning how relationships work (or perhaps that's just me?).

Finding myself in a head-scratching situation of my own, I can't help but question one thought-provoking idea about our lovers: Can you love someone you have nothing in common with?

Like any other chronic dater, I have a checklist of sorts laid out for when I meet someone. By my fantastical standard, they need to be effortlessly charming, alluring in the way that they speak, headed in a forward-moving direction in their life, and they need to have a grasp on my admittedly dry sense of humor. It's human nature - especially today - to put on the table all of your romantic requirements. Otherwise, by contemporary logic, it's like trying to run a brand-new, high-tech video game on a 1995 Macintosh computer: it just won't work.

But what happens, when you find someone who catches you by surprise; what happens when you discover a person who manages to make you smile and laugh, while all-at-once failing the system performance test you've put every other prospect through with the utmost caution? Is it possible, with all of today's neurotic dating tendencies, to leave your head in the dust, and act with your heart?

We've become so consumed by the idea of flawlessness in today's world that we sometimes forget to stop and consider what happiness really means to us; moreover, what it means to "settle" versus what it means to accept what we actually want. Does a person really fail to meet our ideals, or do they fail to meet the standards of the other players in your game of life? Sometimes, embracing love and all of its joys, means tossing your checklist in the trash with the rest of the waste.

Don't let others - or the pessimistic voices in your mind - tell you that you can't love someone. More often than not, those that walk through life alone are the same people who try to take control of love as if it is a horse that can be taken by the reins.

The next time your stomach flips and your heart races, consider one crucial thing: "Do I love this person based on my criteria, or someone elses'?"

If the answer is the former, then hold on tight, and for the sake of your own happiness, never let go.

Questions? Comments? Post below or send a tweet to @BrotherlyLover

Five Reasons to Not Look Like Shit While in Public

I don't mean to channel the same uptight, prissy gay man stereotype you'd likely see in a Hollywood movie with a sass quota, but it would be great if some of Philadelphia's populace could do the city the great favor of not looking like shit all the time.

I get it: some of you are college students who wear sweatpants to class for convenience sake, some of you haven't done laundry in three weeks because you don't feel like journeying to the bank to get quarters, and some of you say you just don't have the money to invest in looking bang-able on a daily basis.

But get this: if the welfare girl on the street can afford maintenance of her weave, the SEPTA change machines can still spit out quarters, and your jeans can still button, you too can accomplish the great task of not looking like you walked out of a tornado. Even Dorothy managed to keep her hair in place after enduring a wind storm and crushing a gross-looking bitch witch with her hinterland house.

But I also get that looking good for your peers requires some incentive, so let's take a stroll down Alluring Avenue, where you just might find the cross street leading to Copulation Corner if you play your fashion-savvy cards right.

1. Walk it like you've got it. Newsflash: even if you don't look like Enrique Iglesias or Heidi Klum, that doesn't mean you can't fool the world into perceiving you that way. Feeling as good as you look is an essential part to changing the mood in the air. If you just rolled out of bed, don't walk with a hunch that conveys to the world that very fact; hold your head up high and walk with a strut. Mind you, "strut" does not equal "gay limp"; march down the street with confidence in your body and your known assets. Even if you don't find yourself all that desirable, someone else inevitably will - no matter how terrible you might look.

2. Don't be afraid to dress up for no reason. There's nothing shameful about wanting to look good. Take notes from Ryan Gosling's character in "Crazy, Stupid, Love"; he's a guy that knows what he wants, knows how to get what he wants, and also knows where to get it. Sprinkle in some conviction with your good-looking self. And if that's not enough motivation to get you to slap on that sweater you normally reserve for really nice events or tight pair of jeans you're embarrassed to squeeze into, think to yourself this: "What would Carson Kressley do?"

3. Even fate can't save a frumpy fool. If you're one of those "closet faters" who believes in the cosmos eventually leading you to your soulmate, consider that even your predestined beau may not want to "tap dat" if you're donning over-sized bluejeans and a coffee-stained t-shirt that screams "my backwoods mommy on crack dressed me this morning."

4. You never know where your libido will take you. Don't assume your hoo-has or your dark side are going unnoticed today. At any moment, you may find yourself in a promising encounter, which means you need to be prepared. Your sex drive is about as predictable as the boom-bust stock market; invest some time and effort into your body in case opportunity presents itself. It's like sticking cash under your mattress in case of an emergency.

5. Don't let the weeds cover the soil. Just because you're a pathetic loser in a dry spell and haven't had sex in more than a year, the world doesn't need to know that. Let Philadelphia - or whatever area you live in - know that your sexually radiant glow has not evacuated your body. You alone have the unique ability to control your aesthetic image communicated to those around you.

Or, basically, just don't look like shit.

Questions? Comments? Email Brandon Baker at brandon.baker@temple.edu or send a tweet to @BrotherlyLover.

Trouncing the trollop treatment

The definition of what makes you promiscuous seems to be distinctly different depending on where you travel in the glory hole that is the Keystone State. If you're a south-central Pennsylvania inhabitant, being on the prowl at Wal-Mart with a muffin top and a box of condoms lazily tossed into your diaper bag (sans baby daddy, of course) stand as strong indicators that - most likely - you're a bit of a hoe-bag. Traveling a little bit northward into the heartland of Central Pennsylvania will see a similar story being told - minus the baby and the diaper bag, and plus an eye-rolling "oh, you really think I'm cute?" ditsy attitude proudly boasted through a weekend bar crawl in the faux-urban depths of Harrisburg.

But Philly - well, anyone who lives in Philadelphia can tell you one thing about Philadelphian standards when it comes to sex: there aren't any.

At the very least, what level of sexual engagement is acceptable in our fair city varies between its different sections and numerous, wildly contrasting social groups. And while the latter is true almost anywhere you may find yourself, it's found to be especially true in the case of a city whose basic social identity is best defined as not having one at all.

Is it the "City of Brotherly Love"? Or, perhaps, the "City of Brotherly Sluts"? Who can tell.

I had a passing conversation with an Italian man from Long Island recently, who claimed to be looking for apartments in South Philly and attempting to take in the scene of the city in the process. Unsurprisingly, he didn't seem to understand the social breakdown of Philadelphia, but commented that he hopes Philadelphians prove to be less "slutty" than New Yorkers.

The poor, clueless bastard.

The word choice of "slutty," which immediately takes me back to my grade school gossip days of pointing to the bimbo in the back of the classroom who would intentionally leave her training bra at home, is what caught me off-guard. Why is it that, like our preceding high school years of whispering about the town whore, we still use sex-negative terms like "slut" to define the guy or gal that partakes in a fun and friendly one-nighter?

Granted, this guy struck me as immediately strange to begin with, particularly following his mid-conversation, out-of-left-field comments about wanting to "transfer his masculine energy" to his partner during sex. (Right, because a gay "bottom" must be in dire need of his partner's macho-man "energy" - OK.) Nevertheless, I'm baffled that even a New Yorker would treat the sexually active with a finger wag and a "tsk tsk."

Once upon a time, I would have told you how much I resented Philadelphia's hypersexual and notoriously non-committal batch of singles, but today I write as a Philadelphian who has seen the light. Living in Philadelphia and having a sex life doesn't make you a "slut" - it makes you human. Pretending sexual desires don't exist and ignoring impulses for the sake of avoiding being called "the S word"? That makes you naive.

Now, I'm not advocating hopping on the first guy that buys you a drink (there are diseases to be concerned about, after all), but I am declaring that sexual positivity is nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly is not something to be described with those dirty words our parents would formerly wash away with soap. (Perhaps our parents had the right idea for the wrong reasons?)

Modern studiers of sex and relationships consider "the hook-up" to be the new "first date," only turning into something deeper after the sexual test has been passed. In that case, Mr. Italian Man may find himself alone with his hand for longer than his libido desires, as the brotherly lovers of this fair city are loud, proud and ready to pounce.

Why a New Year Should Never Mean a 'New You'

When the glitter and the Dick Clark stutters settle from the glamorous festivities of New Year's Eve, party-goers are left hungover, bummed about their inevitable return to work, and - for whatever reason - more self-conscious than ever. I'm here to shout it loud and clear: never develop a new you for a new year.

Our culture makes bank on the idea that we're not only (abruptly and dejectedly) imperfect beings when January 1st rolls around, but it counts on us admitting to being fat slobs, having the mind of a bumpkin and being more willing to sleep with the next thing that walks around the corner than Lindsay Lohan is to show her vagina to the world. The reality, is that new years should never be about starting anew; they should be about continuing all of those good things otherwise left behind in the prior year. What you need is not a new you, what you need is a better you.

Mind you, when I say a "better you," I don't mean that you should pick up the phone and order a Total Gym; I mean that you would be better off focusing on the things you know you already do well and nurturing those things rather than pretending you're interested in having Chuck Norris abs or making yourself "more organized." (Let's be honest, those folders are going in the trash the very second February rolls around.)

What's worse, is no one seems to be encouraging the "new you" for any of the right reasons. QVC is not selling you its workout machines and magic diet plans to make you feel better about yourself, they're selling it to you with the promise that your husband will love you more, or that you might finally pick up that guy at the bar who may have thought your muffin top wasn't quite as cute as your face. At the end of the day, like just about everything else in the world, it's about sex.

Similarly, the idea of you changing your entire physical appearance and emotional framework in a month's time is about as likely as any SEPTA platform evolving into King's Cross Station in the next ten years. It's not going to happen, and it's going to lead you through a disheartening loop...only when you make it full circle, you're going to be faced with a lonely Valentine's Day and an unopened box of Godiva's leftover from Christmas.

I am instead going to embolden the "better you" part of my theory: it's much easier and certainly more productive to challenge yourself to better the aspects of your personality and skill set you already know you're proficient with. In some cases, it may mean merely reevaluating how you view certain angles of yourself, and looking at those angles in a sharpened light.

For example, I have never claimed to be the most put together or systematic individual. My room is often a disaster zone, with clothes spread across my floor and an uncleaned wine glass sitting on my desk (admittedly sometimes for more than a week). Surely, I could opt to clean the glass and hang my clothes in the closet, but doing so isn't something that necessarily satisfies what I want, it just satisfies an imaginary person who I might envision criticizing me for maintaining a different lifestyle than what they lead. Lately, I look at my empty wine glass (or martini glass - I've been in a cosmo mood as of late), and approach it with a different mindset - a smile, even. The little bit of wine hunkered toward the bottom of the glass reminds me of my quirky unwillingness to finish much of what I start, and at the same time, the red "legs" left on the sides of the glass leading to the small liquid pool settled at the bottom call attention to how every unorganized, incomplete, batshit thought I have running through my mind eventually leads me to a pool of something.

My point, as ambiguous and untailored as it may seem, is that these small things are representative of who we are; they're reminders that we have our own primmed facets to our personalities that separate us from that archetypical hunk of "perfect" man meat displayed on that new treadmill. Don't succumb to superficial pressures under the idea that it will "help you get laid" or lure in your dream man. Uncovering the things you want from a date, a sex partner or relationship will mean equipping yourself with the qualities you want others to see in you, not the traits you're told others want to see in you.

And if your gentleman caller isn't happy with your flabs or your messy room, there is one simple and effective solution: throw your one-week-old glass of wine in their face.

Five Do's and Don'ts for the Online Dater

New online dating sites are popping up all the time, which is either a sign that the dating form is becoming more and more regular, or that people just love "punny" tongue-in-cheek .com venue titles like "PlentyOfFish." I write this blog from the perspective of the former, but secretly hoping for the latter. (Bring on "plentyofsausage.com," por favor?)

The Do's:

1. Create a profile. The simple and obvious note regarding online dating, don't simply be the bystander mocking the concept when you yourself haven't had a date in over a year. Your pride doesn't mean a whole lot when you're sleeping alone, does it?

2. Use a recent picture in your profile. You have some flexibility with this one; my personal rule is to not post anything more than a year old. However, if you're approaching the big 5-0, be aware that your date might step into the restaurant a bit surprised if you posted a picture of your 25-year-old self with rock hard abs, and you're sporting a new gray 'do and a beer gut.

3. Find the right forum for you. Not all dating networks are the same; if you're a lesbian you certainly aren't going to want to sign up for Grindr, and if you're a gay man, you're probably going to want to steer clear of the homophobic eHarmony that seems to get more TV advertisement than Viagra circa 2000. Like anything else you'd deem important in your life, do your research.

4. Be available, but don't be too available.
You want people to know that you're on the market, but refrain from using the dreaded "R word." Even if you are looking for a relationship, don't specifically advertise that you're looking for one. It leaves the door open for relationship-addicted freak-a-zoids to knock on your profile's door and throw out a marriage proposal. But do be clear and specific about what you want so as to create a niche audience for yourself.

5. Don't be afraid to embellish. Leave your ethics out of your profile. Even if your life is boring, you should never advertise yourself that way. Take the mundane and make it interesting if you have nothing better to include in your profile. So you like marshmallows? Throw in some snarky, made-up "Brokeback Mountain" joke about a time you and your pals sat around the campfire making smores. You work at Wal-Mart? Tell them you work at Whole Foods - especially if you're shooting for the hipster crowd.

The Don'ts:

1. OkStupid. OK, so OkCupid actually goes on the list of better sites you could be using (especially as a free site), but the forum has its flaws in both design and demographics. In general, the site falls in a particularly unique category of sites where you are able to see who is viewing your profile, and when they're viewing. This could be a great thing if everyone that views your profile is sending you a message, but be prepared to ready those shields if you can't take the self-esteem hit. These sites are meant for the confident and straightforward, not the weak of heart or timid types. I won't advise you to not use this site, as I've had my own set of personal success stories with it, but I send you into the battlefield waving a warning flag.

2. "Hey, hot stuff." You find that sexy gal's profile, your claymore goes skyward bound, and your immediate instinct is to let them know. When you reach this point, run to the nearest freezer, grab an ice tray, and topple it downward; no one wants to talk to a creep, even if you're attractive. Success with online dating comes not just from having a perfected profile, but from knowing how to greet new people. Find something witty to say pertaining to their profile without making it look like you've scanned everything they've written three times over.

3. Don't reveal too much, too soon. One of the biggest problems with online dating is that your back-and-forth messages don't leave much room for a great introductory conversation on a first date. Try to keep your conversation a length where you can determine your level of interest, and then continue the conversation in person if you so choose.

4. Choose a safe meeting place. Thankfully, the issue of safety with online dating is slowly going downhill, but it is still an issue. I made the mistake of meeting a 50-year-old creep posing as a 25-year-old hunk at his home; believe me when I say you never want to end up in such an awkward position.

5. Don't linger on a profile. In between your date, it can be easy to stare at your computer screen and reread their profile in anticipation of an exciting date. It's understandable, but building expectations for a date is never a good thing. Dating - online or off - is not meant to be an end-all, be-all of your life, just a side story on an ongoing adventure. Don't take it so seriously.

Have some online dating do's or don'ts of your own? Send me an email at brandon.baker@temple.edu, or leave a comment below.

Seeking liveliness through the rose-colored glass of sloppiness

Although Americans (and especially Philadelphians) like to laugh at, mock and dismiss those 'Jersey Shore' folks from across the pond as "a thing," I can't help but find it a tad bit ironic that we laugh at behaviors we all embrace and demonstrate.

The premise of the show revolves around hook-ups and drinking, two things that, more often than not, go hand-in-hand. We drink to hook-up, and we hook-up to drink. And what happens when a relationship goes down the rabbit hole? We head to the nearest karaoke bar to drunkenly sing our struggles away.

A cocktail a day probably does take the pain away (we've all been there), but there appears to be an unhealthy obsession in today's society with using alcohol as a crutch for when things go horribly wrong with our lives - especially with dating. I'm all for using the firewater to kill the nerves on an awkward first date, but a backwards mentality has managed to take hold on what role alcohol plays in forming relationships.

The excuse many will gladly use for consuming mass amounts of alcohol for dating and sex-related purposes is that it uninhibits them and breaks down barriers to reveal their "true selves." But one has to wonder: if you're drinking to force yourself into a comfort zone, how "natural" is that?

I'm not so naive (or prudish) as to downplay alcohol and preach against it; Prohibition was certainly demonstration enough that people don't just desire alcohol, they need it. However, this uncanny fascination with intoxication needs to reach a peak at one point or another; using alcohol as a scapegoat doesn't feed a healthy relationship anymore than it nourishes your liver.

Myself being slightly inebriated, I recently observed a young man on the street taunting a group of women as I waited for the Sketch Mobile (aka the "Night Owl") to take me home. He gave them an obvious up-down gaze, and continued to talk to them (or at them, rather) with a tone in his voice that screamed, "I'm drunk, horny, and entitled to your vagina." It was an eye-rolling reminder of the role this liquid courage plays in how our sexual selves work.

When I finally took a seat on the bus, I sat down across from a man and woman who clearly had just come from a party together, but were also very apparently not in a relationship. The man continued to comment on how drunk she was, which was his own code for, "You're drunk; that means it's okay to sleep with me tonight." Thankfully, the girl wasn't having it and clarified that she was feeling very sober, which was her code for, "Put your dick back in your pants."

Yet in these situations, who/what is really to blame for when things go sour? There is absolutely nothing justifiable about your actions just because you took a few too many shots and made an abnormally bad decision. Consider this: if your bad decisions couldn't be excused by alcohol in a work environment, why would that be any less true in a personal setting?

By all means, continue to drink, hook-up, and embark on plastered adventures. But when the time comes in your life to "settle down" and look more closely for "the one," know better than to pre-game before your date or talk in-depth about your party self. Nothing is more unattractive than a drunk that doesn't know he/she is a drunk.

"So, did it hurt?"

"Why, when you fell from heaven, of course!"

We've all endured them; we've all dished them out. They're those pungent pick-up lines that make us want to gag. (And not in the fun way.) Let's take a look at some of the worst ways to approach that random person of interest.

1. Groping of any kind. All right, so your goal is to add another tally mark to your growing list of "scores." That's great, but know better than to use sex as a means to get to know someone on a deeper level. There's a reason the first kiss is normally referred to as a "good-night kiss;" the point is to run someone through a string of mental and emotional endurance tasks before taking any kind of physical plunge. Grabbing someone's "junk" isn't going to earn you any cool points in the dating realm.

2. Regurgitating your life story. I had the unfortunate displeasure of watching a poorly dressed, awkward-to-the-extremes man at Starbucks "slyly" strike conversation with the woman sitting at the table next to him. Within ten seconds of introducing himself, he managed to inform her that he was unemployed, stressed to the breaking point and available to the point of desperation. It was like watching dominoes fall one after the other. Do yourself a favor and save the sob stories for after you've firmly established comfort zones and boundaries ... which normally won't happen until a third date or later anyway.

3. Cruising. While many might disagree with me on this subject, I do not find "cruising" (that is, the art of aggressively eying someone down) to be beneficial in the slightest. It implies something overtly sexual, and it implies passive aggressive. If you want to talk to someone, find a reason to do so. After all, what do you expect to happen when someone sees you giving them the "up-down"? This isn't a movie; you're unlikely to get a wink, nod and coy smile in response. You're actually more likely to see someone switch train cars or walk to the other side of the street.

4. "You look like someone I know..." For whatever reason, this seems to be a common, phony line men like to employ to get someone to talk to them. What's the point? The other person most likely knows that it's just an excuse to talk to them, and at that point, they're aware that you're nervous. It also suggests that you already have a label attached to them. (What if that "someone you know" is your mother?) Avoid the tacky scapegoat questions and find something clever to say.

5. Discussing the weather. For God's sake, please do not use the weather as an ice breaker. If weather discussion isn't okay when you're talking to your friends, it certainly isn't going to be thought-provoking discussion for someone you're interested in. Save your opinions on the day's cloud formations for Thanksgiving dinner with grandma and grandpa.

Heard of or experienced some bad pick-up lines or approaching methods? Let me know about it: shoot me an email at brandon.baker@temple.edu and you just might find your story featured in an upcoming "Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" update.

A Hop, Skip and a Check Away from True Love

Realizing that you love someone stands as the biggest “aha!” moment of a person’s life. There is no greater realization, no better feeling to be had for the human soul. Despite the trouble and anxiety that is very likely to ensue in the future, you truly have no concept of your euphoria deepening after experiencing such life-altering feelings. To the stronghold of your emotions, you’ve reached the top of the mountain.

Still, the aftermath of this realization has an unfortunate tendency to throw an innumerable amount of questions and problems our way, producing that curve ball we just can't seem to hit out of the park. Once you finally find love, what do you do with it?

I fondly recall a time where sorting through your emotions was as simple as passing along a note and asking a person to “check yes or no.” It was easy, it was to-the-point, and it was effective. You had the answer to your question just as quickly as it surfaced. For this reason, I can’t help but wonder ... what changed?

It appears that somewhere along the line we find ourselves battered and bruised to the point of no return. Writing that very straightforward question on a piece of paper is no longer representative of a hopeful future, but the possibility of an oncoming doomsday based on a dreary past.

Which brings me to my point: At what cost do we “protect ourselves” in the long journey of finding and keeping love?

Our modern lifestyles particularly enjoy glorifying the one-night stand that serves to make our romantic comedies interesting and keep our gossipy friends entertained. Yet really, does a one-night stand serve as anything more than a scapegoat for insecurity?

That’s not to say I view one-night stands as a sign of loneliness and desperation. Sometimes it’s best to recognize that a good f*** is just that: a good f***. However, our lifestyles are, more often than not, a striking reflection of the state of our emotions. It seems perfectly reasonable to assume that if someone is going to the club every night – “single and fabulous” or not – they’re going in search of something more than a vodka martini. Even the most seemingly stable and blissfully promiscuous deal with their own love-struck dilemmas, and struggle just as much as your average write-in to “Ask Ann.”

I’ve spent quite the chunk of time in my life trying to understand why people feel the need to constantly keep themselves at arm’s length, and it becomes clearer and clearer to me with each passing day. Yet what comes with this understanding, to my own surprise, is not so much an acceptance of this idea of “protecting yourself,” but a motivation to break apart those emotional barriers.

It seems awfully counterproductive to spend your life shooing away love and fending off its affects, when the unconscious (quite literally) craves its attention. To say that our minds are not dependent on relationships, would be like saying that our bodies are not dependent on food. Pushing away these bare necessities are unhealthy and detrimental to the same “self” you aim to preserve.

I’ve been a consistent advocate of avoiding dwelling in my blog entries, and I maintain that moving forward means not looking back. All the while, it is more important to note that moving forward in your life requires conscious effort – just because you’re not looking back, doesn’t mean you’re moving forward.

Finding love and moving forward with it means putting yourself out there, whether that be with a high school-style note or an awkward face-to-face conversation with whom you believe to be your one true love. Turn back the clock on your commitment-phobic self and embrace the idea that maybe, just maybe, love isn’t another aspect of your life that you can control. You may face a few added risks by embracing this idea, but you just might find that it’s worth it when that radiant love note finally gets passed over to your desk.

From the 'Scarlet A' to the 'White V'

As you begin to grow into adulthood, you discover that everything you've learned as a child has been slightly/enormously exaggerated or sugar-coated to meet the societal standard. As it turns out, talking to strangers is A-okay if you've got a cocktail in your hand, and touching genitals doesn't always guarantee that you'll get AIDS and die.

And for the most part, many of these realizations are actually quite good. It means that being promiscuous doesn't necessarily entail a reputation comparable to "slutty Stephanie," who scandalously made out with someone other than her boyfriend under the bleachers in 8th grade, and that being a virgin doesn't mean you're a four-eyed nerd with an unusual amount of white-stained socks in your hamper.

... Or does it?

Though most of your high school labels and expectations die with your diploma, there is one that has a funny way of sticking around as you enter the world of grown-ups - all depending on the status of your "V-card."

In Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter," Hester Prynne is famously shamed by being made to wear a scarlet "A" on her chest as a result of her sexual expression. In today's world, I can't help but wonder if the opposite would be true in such a situation: Would a virgin be forced to wear their own "white A"?

Growing up, your authority figures feed you with the idea that your virginity is something "special," something that should be reserved for someone you deem worthy of breaking into your fortress for the first time. It's sacred, it's virtuous, it's rubbish.

It seems that this delusional romantic notion more frequently leads to disaster in the case of most late-blossoming virgins, who hold out hope that maybe one day they'll meet the perfect person who can recreate a movie-esque scene that fulfills their greatest fantasies.

Yet for those who have yet to rip that "V" off like a band-aid, they are instead cursed with endlessly sketchy dates and men/women who just don't want to bear the "responsibility" of being "that person."

And although you're told that your virginity adds a positive element to your character, what it actually appears to do is limit your possibilities in the dating world, kill your sense of 21st-century romanticism, and plague you with the expectation that your first time will be "unique."

The reality, of course, is that your "special moment" is more likely to happen as a one-night-stand or in a bathroom stall at Woody's than it is to happen on the honeymoon of your wedding. There are no rose petals to be found here, just used condoms and Zip-Loc bags filled with lube.

But I'm not one to dictate morals, and I'm certainly no advocate of throwing out the V-card just to "get it over with." Your virginity is something deeply personal, and only you should be determining its value, not the rest of the world. You can in fact prove the village people wrong and own your "white V" with pride; how you choose to spin this information will greatly affect how well it is ultimately received by others. After all, everything is in style if you just know how to wear it.

Shopping for Singles and Sausage

You go to the bar, expecting to find a nice guy/gal to flirt with, but instead drunkenly run into your ex. You go to a house party, thinking that the more intimate environment might allow for an easy hook-up, but instead find yourself discouraged by the lack of options or the stiff competition. The solution to these two enigmatic problems?

Grocery shopping.

As silly as it may sound, when you consider the type of person who goes to a grocery store, you may have trouble envisioning one particular, stereotypical image of a person. That's because everyone goes grocery shopping, because everyone needs to eat.

The problem with bar and party hopping, is that every scene eventually becomes tired. "Hip" clubs and party-scenes become outdated about as quickly as they become fashionable; and as a result, their demographics evolve in ways that aren't always favorable for the Philly single.

Grocery stores, on the other hand, never go out of style. They're like a nice pair of stilettos - sure, the color or the print on the shoe may go out of fashion, but the core idea of the high-heeled, power-tripped wearer of the shoe never does. Shopping at a grocery store essentially evens out all of your shortcomings that might come along with a night out at the bar, because everyone is there for the same basic necessities.

Anyone who has been to a Whole Foods in the city can point out the diversity of the people shopping there. It's like the Louis Vuitton of grocery stores in Philadelphia, and its shoppers reflect this level of quality. You have your gay men seeking out their high-protein sources in the poultry department, your hipsters seeking out ingredients for the perfect vegan meal, and the horn-dogs squeezing melons and gripping bananas in the produce section.

But while you may claim to go shopping for organic food, what you're really doing is shopping for the "organic single." It's easy to understand a person by the food that they eat, therefore making the grocery store the perfect place to scope out more than just a great bargain. And how much easier could it get to show off your goods than leaning over to price-check a can of soup on the bottom shelf?

Alas, most of the lusty-busty magic does not occur while shopping, but rather while "checkin' people out" at the check-outs. By the time you've roamed the store and gathered your food items, you've already determined who you're attracted to, and who you're not. So when you see them standing in a line, it opens up the perfect opportunity to start a conversation (or at the very least, to cruise them down). Or if you're really desperate, it's always a perfectly viable option to flirt with the cute cashier who is undoubtedly going to be open to a short, flirtatious conversation after enduring a long, boring shift of ringing-up bitter customers.

So the next time you find yourself with a full grocery list, preparing to leave for the grocery store, remember to wear that extra-flattering top and tight pair of jeans. You never know where the magic is going to happen.

10 Tips for the New Dater in Philadelphia (Part 2)

As promised, below are the remaining five tips for the new dater in Philadelphia. (And don't forget to check out the first five if you missed them!)

6. Create a conversation, not a reading of your first memoir. It's good if you have things to talk about, and it's natural to want to sell your goods, but don't drown your conversation with talk of your cat or all of your forgotten dreams. It isn't that no one cares, it's more that you're opening up too much of yourself before someone can be given the opportunity to care.

7. Don't drink too much before, during, or after your date. If you're slurring your words at "hello," you know you have a problem. Your rate of drinking can be better felt-out once the date begins and you get your first drink, assuming you're at a bar, restaurant, or the person's house/apartment. (And if it's the latter, then your date sounds like it's already set for success.) After your date, drinking tends to only lead to over-analysis of the night's events, and if you know yourself to be the reflective type, know to especially avoid the hard liquor.

8. Stick to your guns. As much as you would like to argue otherwise, deep down you really do know what you're looking for. If the guy or gal is too thick, thin, prickly, wimpy, whatever it may be; don't settle for something you know you aren't content with. Or in other words, don't make shit shine.

9. Be creative with your Philadelphian date destination. No one wants to be taken to Starbucks on their first date, when there is a perfectly attractive local coffee shop down the street. And if you're gay, please know better than to take your date anywhere in the Gayborhood. It might make sense on the surface to have a "gay date" in a gay-friendly area, but do you really want to deal with the possibility of your date checking out the view mid-sentence? You don't need to add competition into the already complicated political dynamics of your date.

10. Hold off on that good night kiss. Philly men are just too non-committal and apprehensive for a good night kiss; it's a cold, bitter reality of the "Philly flake." Besides, it's important to realize that your kiss is a very symbolic tool in the realm of dating. You may want to reserve that kiss for leverage in the future. And if your date does miraculously go in for a kiss, don't be afraid to tease. It makes the chase all that much more exciting.

As previously mentioned, "Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" would love to hear your own tips on dating in the City of Philadelphia - or just in general! Let your voice ring loud for all of your lovely and lustful Philadelphian comrades by shooting me an e-mail at brandon.baker@temple.edu with your dating tips or comments on the compiled list above!

10 Tips for the New Dater in Philadelphia (Part 1)

Philadelphia is loaded with an unfortunate amount of suburban and rural newcomers that are painfully unaware of how brutal the Philadelphia dating scene can be. As someone who has been around the block once or twice, I offer my advice based on the experiences I've had thus far in Philly's dating world. Hopefully this list can help prevent a few heartbreaks and disappointments from coming to fruition... and maybe even lead to some success stories?

1. Do not text a person in between an introduction and a first date. The whole point of a first date is to get to know someone, and form an impression based on all angles of an individual. This includes body language and tone of voice. It's counter-intuitive to have your first date before you actually have your first date.

2. Know when to change yourself and when not to. This is perhaps one of the greatest pieces of advice I can offer anyone new to the Philly dating scene. It is only natural that you'll have to alter your "real self" for your date; dating is a lot like running a business. You need to market your product, know your key demographics, and present yourself with a reasonable asking price. However, know what's worth changing about yourself for someone, and what is completely unacceptable by your own self-respecting standards.

3. Know which dates are worth making in the first place. So many people become either jaded or pessimistic because of their choice in dates. If you're unsatisfied with the dates you go on, then by all means, change your target audience. Don't keep dating the same types of people over and over again, expecting a different result. That isn't how it works. You may find that the guy or gal that seemingly "isn't your type" is the love of your life.

4. Don't limit yourself to one dating resource. You like meeting people through the Philly bar scene? Cool. I'm sure there are plenty of success stories from people meeting at Woody's and Tavern (note the hint of sarcasm), but people who frequent these places tend to either be looking for something that isn't quite defined as a relationship, or to pull a "flirt and flake." If you want to meet a variety of people or someone "wholesome," look elsewhere. Try Shoprite.

5. Always go into a date prepared to pick up the tab. And please, people, leave the feminist-inspired bullshit at home. I'm not saying you need to pay for dinner, but be prepared to offer. Very few people honestly like paying for someone else's dinner without at least being given the chance to not have to.

Look out for the remaining five tips this Wednesday. If you've experienced something that's taught you a valuable lesson about dating and the elusive feeling of "love," please shoot me an e-mail at brandon.baker@temple.edu or leave a comment below. "Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" wants to hear what you have to say.

Finding Your Heart in the Heart of Philadelphia

Many of those who frequent Rittenhouse Square will tell you that it is the heart and soul of the City of Philadelphia. There you will find street performers evoking awe and wonder from large crowds, clusters of hipsters staring into the sun with their aviator sunglasses and cut-off jeans, and a sea of park-goers soaking up the sun as well as the culture of Philly.

Yet strangely enough, I don't really frequent Rittenhouse Square Park that often. So one day on my afternoon off, I conformed and took a stroll down the fancy schmancy streets of Rittenhouse to observe what all of the hubbub was about.

What I discovered was a magical place full of energy, activity and excitement; a place full of men.

Short men, tall men, jock-inspired men, hipster men, even the unavoidable creepy old men. This, ladies and gentlemen, truly is the heart of the single lad's Philadelphian fantasy.

Being the curious person I am, I sat down with my copy of "Summer and the City" (shocking book choice, I know) and a frappuccino to give myself a legitimate reason to be in the surroundings. Unfortunately, my only seating choice was on a bench across from a middle-aged man attempting (and failing) to impress with his sun-burnt 50-year-old chest.

But I digress. As I engaged myself into my reading and my observing, I noticed a young couple sitting a few feet in front of me on a patch of grass. Neither could have been older than 17, and they had that gag-worthy "I'm young and in pretend love" look in their eyes ... or at least the female clearly did.

The young man she was with, on the contrary, couldn't have looked more bored. He sat patiently with her, apprehensively clutching her hand every few minutes as they read their books, as if he expected something in return for his "romance." And yet I caught him staring at me every few minutes, and couldn't help but wonder why.

I was fairly confident he wasn't gay, and there were plenty of other interesting people to be looking at in the area. I didn't bother staring back, as twinks really aren't my thing ... but it did cause me to ponder another question.

At what age, at what part of our life cycle, do we become as confidently self-aware with our emotions as we are with our libido?

I can tell you what kind of guy I go for from the outside, but when it comes to figuring out all of that lovey-dovey stuff, I haven't the slightest clue. Sometimes, it makes that high school romance based purely on physical appearance seem awfully appealing by comparison. Wouldn't it be nice, if our biggest concern was still who to take to the prom?

We all like to believe there's that special someone waiting in the world with the key to our heart, but what do you do if you never stumble upon that person? Are there multiple, universal keys out there waiting to unlock your heart? Or maybe it's a combination lock, and it's up to you to give someone the "secret code" to your inner workings.

Regardless of this ongoing mystery, it seems one thing is clear. Finding the answers to such questions will not come in the form of an instantaneously gratifying "eureka!" kind of moment, nor is it something you will come to by sitting alone in your bedroom, cuddling with your cat and watching "He's Just Not That Into You" for the millionth time.

With an entire city to explore, finding the answers to your own heart can be as easy as unearthing the inner valves of Philadelphia. And if you happen to take a few sultry detours along the way, then well, that's just another part of the process.