Finding a fish in the sea that isn't a piranha is proving to be a much, much rarer occurrence as time goes by. Numb your frustrations for a brief moment and consider how many dates you have actually gone on in the past year. Now consider how many have materialized into anything substantial. (And no, casual sex does not count.)
Most dates are doomed from the get-go: with each passing second-rate loser, our expectations for a first date either 1) increase to an unrealistic standard, or 2) diminish to a level that begs for a poisonous relationship of screaming matches and infidelity. You can't win, but you can't give up. In the end, it's painstakingly paradoxical.
What's worse, modern day pop culture drowns itself in the elusive dream man. Katy Perry is crooning corn ball lyrics about "the one that got away," and Snooki is drunkenly falling over herself in Venice searching for her perfect juicehead
dud stud muffin Jionni. Our beloved celebutantes have unknowingly made themselves banners for what it means to have a "normal" relationship.
"All the good ones are gay or taken," moans the average boy-done-me-wrong female of today. In my case, the adage is more along the lines of, "All the good ones are straight, refuse to leave their boyfriend, or fantasize about leather daddies." Where oh where have the good ones gone?
I experienced a gathering recently where it became a serious subject of queer conversation to discuss an unknown, bewildered, recently-"out" gay man who had arrived at the affair by his single-self and soon after left without a single person having acknowledged him. Apparently, a "catch" is so extraordinary, so scanty, that it is to be studied and analyzed to death rather than actually pursued.
Well no f**king wonder we all end up with terrible dates.
In gay man terms (and for others as well, admittedly), I speculate three particular types of men we encounter that we are perpetually drawn to despite their absolute repulsiveness:
1.
Narcissists. We don't want to like these types, but there's something about their "let's talk all about me" charm that keeps us coming back. Whether it's their constant ranting about their jobs or obnoxious flexing of their muscles (newsflash: I've eaten marshmallows firmer than your biceps), they're the nicotine of relationships that eventually make us go insane.
2.
"What do you mean your dick is only one and a half inches above the national average?" These are the men that, no matter how hard they may claim to try, simply won't be satisfied with anything that comes their way. You're too thick, too thin; too emotionally attached, too distant - it's always something. And God forbid you fish for conversation with substance; it's the crime even the most
corrupt lenient judge will never acquit you from.
3.
Closet-cases. I'm often times bemused by the number of people I stumble upon who make mention of being closeted. One must eventually wonder: if X person is advertising themselves on X website or regularly attending X gay bar, how "closeted" can X person truly be? These are the fish that deserve the unwarned hook caught in their gills; any jerk with a credit card can blow a locked closet door wide open. These folks are the end-all, be-all of "wasted time."
Finding the consummate lover for yourself, the "good one" that hasn't gotten away yet, is as difficult as finding the ideal person to bring home to a Jewish mother. You can settle for the Roman Catholic that meets half of your standards and offers the proposition of faux-blissful romance 'til your golden anniversary, or you can hold out for the dubious possibility that you'll eventually stumble upon "Mr. Right."
But one thing unquestionably remains true. If you've been nodding your head in agreement to all of the above comments, realize one very important thing: you're one of the good ones.
Have questions or comments? Contact Brandon Baker at brandon.baker@temple.edu.
