Monday, June 20, 2011

From the 'Scarlet A' to the 'White V'


As you begin to grow into adulthood, you discover that everything you've learned as a child has been slightly/enormously exaggerated or sugar-coated to meet the societal standard. As it turns out, talking to strangers is A-okay if you've got a cocktail in your hand, and touching genitals doesn't always guarantee that you'll get AIDS and die.

And for the most part, many of these realizations are actually quite good. It means that being promiscuous doesn't necessarily entail a reputation comparable to "slutty Stephanie," who scandalously made out with someone other than her boyfriend under the bleachers in 8th grade, and that being a virgin doesn't mean you're a four-eyed nerd with an unusual amount of white-stained socks in your hamper.

... Or does it?

Though most of your high school labels and expectations die with your diploma, there is one that has a funny way of sticking around as you enter the world of grown-ups - all depending on the status of your "V-card."

In Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter," Hester Prynne is famously shamed by being made to wear a scarlet "A" on her chest as a result of her sexual expression. In today's world, I can't help but wonder if the opposite would be true in such a situation: Would a virgin be forced to wear their own "white A"?

Growing up, your authority figures feed you with the idea that your virginity is something "special," something that should be reserved for someone you deem worthy of breaking into your fortress for the first time. It's sacred, it's virtuous, it's rubbish.

It seems that this delusional romantic notion more frequently leads to disaster in the case of most late-blossoming virgins, who hold out hope that maybe one day they'll meet the perfect person who can recreate a movie-esque scene that fulfills their greatest fantasies.

Yet for those who have yet to rip that "V" off like a band-aid, they are instead cursed with endlessly sketchy dates and men/women who just don't want to bear the "responsibility" of being "that person."

And although you're told that your virginity adds a positive element to your character, what it actually appears to do is limit your possibilities in the dating world, kill your sense of 21st-century romanticism, and plague you with the expectation that your first time will be "unique."

The reality, of course, is that your "special moment" is more likely to happen as a one-night-stand or in a bathroom stall at Woody's than it is to happen on the honeymoon of your wedding. There are no rose petals to be found here, just used condoms and Zip-Loc bags filled with lube.

But I'm not one to dictate morals, and I'm certainly no advocate of throwing out the V-card just to "get it over with." Your virginity is something deeply personal, and only you should be determining its value, not the rest of the world. You can in fact prove the village people wrong and own your "white V" with pride; how you choose to spin this information will greatly affect how well it is ultimately received by others. After all, everything is in style if you just know how to wear it.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Shopping for Singles and Sausage


You go to the bar, expecting to find a nice guy/gal to flirt with, but instead drunkenly run into your ex. You go to a house party, thinking that the more intimate environment might allow for an easy hook-up, but instead find yourself discouraged by the lack of options or the stiff competition. The solution to these two enigmatic problems?

Grocery shopping.

As silly as it may sound, when you consider the type of person who goes to a grocery store, you may have trouble envisioning one particular, stereotypical image of a person. That's because everyone goes grocery shopping, because everyone needs to eat.

The problem with bar and party hopping, is that every scene eventually becomes tired. "Hip" clubs and party-scenes become outdated about as quickly as they become fashionable; and as a result, their demographics evolve in ways that aren't always favorable for the Philly single.

Grocery stores, on the other hand, never go out of style. They're like a nice pair of stilettos - sure, the color or the print on the shoe may go out of fashion, but the core idea of the high-heeled, power-tripped wearer of the shoe never does. Shopping at a grocery store essentially evens out all of your shortcomings that might come along with a night out at the bar, because everyone is there for the same basic necessities.

Anyone who has been to a Whole Foods in the city can point out the diversity of the people shopping there. It's like the Louis Vuitton of grocery stores in Philadelphia, and its shoppers reflect this level of quality. You have your gay men seeking out their high-protein sources in the poultry department, your hipsters seeking out ingredients for the perfect vegan meal, and the horn-dogs squeezing melons and gripping bananas in the produce section.

But while you may claim to go shopping for organic food, what you're really doing is shopping for the "organic single." It's easy to understand a person by the food that they eat, therefore making the grocery store the perfect place to scope out more than just a great bargain. And how much easier could it get to show off your goods than leaning over to price-check a can of soup on the bottom shelf?

Alas, most of the lusty-busty magic does not occur while shopping, but rather while "checkin' people out" at the check-outs. By the time you've roamed the store and gathered your food items, you've already determined who you're attracted to, and who you're not. So when you see them standing in a line, it opens up the perfect opportunity to start a conversation (or at the very least, to cruise them down). Or if you're really desperate, it's always a perfectly viable option to flirt with the cute cashier who is undoubtedly going to be open to a short, flirtatious conversation after enduring a long, boring shift of ringing-up bitter customers.

So the next time you find yourself with a full grocery list, preparing to leave for the grocery store, remember to wear that extra-flattering top and tight pair of jeans. You never know where the magic is going to happen.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

10 Tips for the New Dater in Philadelphia (Part 2)

As promised, below are the remaining five tips for the new dater in Philadelphia. (And don't forget to check out the first five if you missed them!)

6. Create a conversation, not a reading of your first memoir. It's good if you have things to talk about, and it's natural to want to sell your goods, but don't drown your conversation with talk of your cat or all of your forgotten dreams. It isn't that no one cares, it's more that you're opening up too much of yourself before someone can be given the opportunity to care.

7. Don't drink too much before, during, or after your date. If you're slurring your words at "hello," you know you have a problem. Your rate of drinking can be better felt-out once the date begins and you get your first drink, assuming you're at a bar, restaurant, or the person's house/apartment. (And if it's the latter, then your date sounds like it's already set for success.) After your date, drinking tends to only lead to over-analysis of the night's events, and if you know yourself to be the reflective type, know to especially avoid the hard liquor.

8. Stick to your guns. As much as you would like to argue otherwise, deep down you really do know what you're looking for. If the guy or gal is too thick, thin, prickly, wimpy, whatever it may be; don't settle for something you know you aren't content with. Or in other words, don't make shit shine.

9. Be creative with your Philadelphian date destination. No one wants to be taken to Starbucks on their first date, when there is a perfectly attractive local coffee shop down the street. And if you're gay, please know better than to take your date anywhere in the Gayborhood. It might make sense on the surface to have a "gay date" in a gay-friendly area, but do you really want to deal with the possibility of your date checking out the view mid-sentence? You don't need to add competition into the already complicated political dynamics of your date.

10. Hold off on that good night kiss. Philly men are just too non-committal and apprehensive for a good night kiss; it's a cold, bitter reality of the "Philly flake." Besides, it's important to realize that your kiss is a very symbolic tool in the realm of dating. You may want to reserve that kiss for leverage in the future. And if your date does miraculously go in for a kiss, don't be afraid to tease. It makes the chase all that much more exciting.

As previously mentioned, "Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" would love to hear your own tips on dating in the City of Philadelphia - or just in general! Let your voice ring loud for all of your lovely and lustful Philadelphian comrades by shooting me an e-mail at brandon.baker@temple.edu with your dating tips or comments on the compiled list above!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

10 Tips for the New Dater in Philadelphia (Part 1)

Philadelphia is loaded with an unfortunate amount of suburban and rural newcomers that are painfully unaware of how brutal the Philadelphia dating scene can be. As someone who has been around the block once or twice, I offer my advice based on the experiences I've had thus far in Philly's dating world. Hopefully this list can help prevent a few heartbreaks and disappointments from coming to fruition... and maybe even lead to some success stories?

1. Do not text a person in between an introduction and a first date. The whole point of a first date is to get to know someone, and form an impression based on all angles of an individual. This includes body language and tone of voice. It's counter-intuitive to have your first date before you actually have your first date.

2. Know when to change yourself and when not to. This is perhaps one of the greatest pieces of advice I can offer anyone new to the Philly dating scene. It is only natural that you'll have to alter your "real self" for your date; dating is a lot like running a business. You need to market your product, know your key demographics, and present yourself with a reasonable asking price. However, know what's worth changing about yourself for someone, and what is completely unacceptable by your own self-respecting standards.

3. Know which dates are worth making in the first place. So many people become either jaded or pessimistic because of their choice in dates. If you're unsatisfied with the dates you go on, then by all means, change your target audience. Don't keep dating the same types of people over and over again, expecting a different result. That isn't how it works. You may find that the guy or gal that seemingly "isn't your type" is the love of your life.

4. Don't limit yourself to one dating resource. You like meeting people through the Philly bar scene? Cool. I'm sure there are plenty of success stories from people meeting at Woody's and Tavern (note the hint of sarcasm), but people who frequent these places tend to either be looking for something that isn't quite defined as a relationship, or to pull a "flirt and flake." If you want to meet a variety of people or someone "wholesome," look elsewhere. Try Shoprite.

5. Always go into a date prepared to pick up the tab. And please, people, leave the feminist-inspired bullshit at home. I'm not saying you need to pay for dinner, but be prepared to offer. Very few people honestly like paying for someone else's dinner without at least being given the chance to not have to.

Look out for the remaining five tips this Wednesday. If you've experienced something that's taught you a valuable lesson about dating and the elusive feeling of "love," please shoot me an e-mail at brandon.baker@temple.edu or leave a comment below. "Sex and the City of Brotherly Love" wants to hear what you have to say.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Fighting the Fairytales for the Life of the 'Single and Fabulous'


Living the life of the "single and fabulous" is, more often than not, quite the challenge - especially in the City of Philadelphia. You believe in love, but you don't believe in its necessity to living a good life. You believe in companionship, but you don't believe that it needs to come in the form of a life partner. And most importantly, you believe in sex, but you don't believe one lover is enough to last a lifetime.

Our society loves to put down those who live the single life as narcissistic or, worse yet, cynical. They claim that if you're living life out loud as a single person, then you must simply be "lost," which is, more often than not, followed-up with that blood pressure-raising stare of sympathy that says "Honey, you just haven't met the right person yet."

As any Philadelphian that ventures out on a Friday night can tell you, this city is filled with single men and women. But it's worth noting, that being "single" is much different than being "single and fabulous."

If you've ever watched a Disney movie, you're very much aware of the heaping amount of pressure put on individuals to find their Prince Charming or Cinderella. When was the last time you heard a fairy tale that ended with the girl being single and enjoying a cosmopolitan at a bar on a Friday night?

You don't; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Our lives ultimately boil down to what we make of them, and as it seems, we try to make them unrealistic love stories that just never come to fruition. We linger, we dwell, and we expect nothing but the best for ourselves when it comes to love.

But consider this: What happens when you have spent your entire life making decisions that revolve around the mere possibility of someone coming along? Consider, for a moment, whether you could live with yourself knowing that you'd spent a lifetime making your story another version of a ninth-century writer's deluded fairy tale.

Obsessing over love does not make it come to you any faster, nor does it make your life any more accomplished than it would be otherwise.

Truly, to be a compelling version of "single and fabulous," the first step comes not just in realizing that your so-called "soulmate" may never stumble upon you, but expecting that very outcome. Plan your life on the realities of today, not on the hopes of tomorrow.

But perhaps what one really needs to know about being "single and fabulous," is that the label is not (and should not) be defined by the example of the person that frequents ICandy every night, or has promiscuous sex just for the sake of doing so. After all, the label isn't "single and desperate."

What is really fabulous about being single, is the self-confidence you build in the process of understanding that your life does not need to be recognized or built-up by anyone other than yourself. Who cares if your significant other doesn't approve of your career path? Who cares if he/she thinks you're too "this or that;" what matters is what you think of yourself. And if you don't love yourself, then certainly no one else is going to love you.

Some call it harsh, some call it deviant, some call it a bad Lady GaGa song. I call it fabulous.