How to have discreet sex while living with a roommate

No matter how comfortable your roommate may claim to be with the animalistic, hot ‘n heavy moans coming from your room, the likely reality is that few people are truly at home with the idea of hearing the not-so-subtle “bump in the night” at 2 a.m. After all, there’s a reason sleep machines don’t have “sex grunts” as a bedside lullaby option – the very thought of the noise is immediately either eye-rolling or envy-provoking.

To be considerate of the person in slumber just across the hallway, consider these three tips to abide by:

1. Keep it simple, stupid. Having sex with your roommate’s presence is automatically going to throw some inhibitions into the equation, so it may be more productive to skip some of the noisier, thrust-heavy motions that might rock the building. That isn’t to say you can’t enjoy a mind-blowing orgasm with your partner, but try to keep it short and simple. And please, refrain from obnoxiously knocking your partner’s head into the headboard like a paddle ball.

2. Embrace your iTunes library. Mind you, playing music during sex to subdue any noise does not mean whipping out your Marvin Gaye collection; play tasteful music that doesn’t distract from the feel of the moment but still gives your roomie the impression that it’s just another night in the neighborhood. Try checking out something with a little rhythm and groove, with enough pep to boost your libido and enough of a bass to drown out your partner’s climax.

3. Clean it up. The second-most obvious giveaway that you’re having or have had sex is the post-orgasm clean-up process. Prepare beforehand by piling some towels in your room (one of which you might want to shove under the crack of your door), or by simply locating your sexual activities to the shower where water will quell loud noises and simultaneously eliminate the ensuing mess. “The running water from the shower drowns out noise – that’s really important,” says local sexpert Jill “The Sexologist” McDevitt. “Investing in a waterproof vibrator and lubricant is also key.” Be prepared for a wet-and-wild adventure when sneaking in with your beau for a late night rendezvous.

Quiet sex doesn't have to equate to "bad sex" with the right contingency plan and a certain degree of tact in the bedroom. With any luck, you'll be able to avoid the awkward moment of encountering your roommate in the hallway with your bare bottom exposed and your partner blushing behind you.